Why did Philomena cross the street?

I have this friend (I’ll let you guess which one. Let’s just say he’s been featured before….) who can’t seem to pick a career path. “Maybe I’ll be a teacher”. Then 2 month later..”Maybe I’ll be a therapist”…..(March, April….)….”I’m thinking about going to law school”. Finally I said “Aaarrgghhh, JUST PICK SOMETHING!!!”.

Then I felt guilty. I had broken a rule that someone told me about just a few days earlier; something along the lines of “stay on your own side of the street”. This apparently means don’t tell other people how to live their lives. I think it came from the Al Anon 12 step program, but I have a feeling I’ve heard it somewhere before. Oprah’s probably said it a few times. I see the basic point, i.e. don’t get caught up in fixing other peoples problems as a way of avoiding your own. I think someone even more important than Oprah said something similar 2000 years ago.

My problem is this-like many other wise statements, this idea has been taken out of context and then blown up out of all proportion. We are now so afraid of getting involved in each other’s lives that we have become completely useless “friends”. When I was in college, one of the lay staff at church talked about how we walk with each other, but only in parallel, our paths never crossing. We are experiencing the same things as the person next to us but never sharing those experiences. I sometimes wonder if that’s why so many of us go to therapists to help shed some light on our lives. We are desperate for someone to comment, give their opinion, say SOMETHING! But we have been paralysed by our fear of breaking this “golden rule” as well as the scriptural ones we rightly pay more attention to, but can be just as easily exaggerated.

I don’t want to be a useless friend (or sister in Christ). I don’t want useless friends. I like to think I can take a little truth spoken with love, and I can speak it into my friend’s lives without causing a rift. There is a risk, I know. I might find out that my butt really does look big in those pants. Thanks for letting me know! But we know that there are other truths that are much more important to be reminded of. “Philomena, you’re making a bad decision”. “Philomena, you’re heading down the wrong path”. Thanks for letting me know. These things are the beginning of a dialogue and hopefully not hit-and-run statements. But I’d much rather have that dialogue than see my friends affirming nods in my rear-view mirror while I speed off in the wrong direction.

Should we micro-manage our friends lives as a way of avoiding our own macro-problems? Definitely not. But, should we become nodding dogs while our brothers and sisters struggle? “No” to that too! I’d love to hear everyone’s ideas about how we can do this in a sensitive way.

Hit the “comment” button and tell me the truth. I can take it! (I think).

Philomena

allthesephilomena@yahoo.com

Comments

[Thomas More]

I'm going to pass on the delicate balance of being a "useful friend" and commenting on a saint's butt size. There might not be a biblical passage explicitly affirming my reluctance, but I think the general gist of the Proverbs would have me refrain from any comment on such a topic--not due to concerns over lewdness mind you, but simply out of self preservation.

That said, as a general rule, we have the log/speck issue in the context--created much earlier--of the first "useless brother", Cain.

"Then the LORD said to Cain, "Where is Abel your brother?" And he said, "I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper?"

I think "Yes, you are" would be the response, but God cuts to the chase instead. Point being, we have a duty to love one another, which includes looking out for one another. Unfortunately, as you note, this gets judgmentally morphed into picking on one another to avoid our own problems.

The log/speck statement is not license to avoid "judging" but is a requirement to do it in the right way--with a pure heart towards your brother/sister (regardless of derriere size), for THEIR benefit, not your own. (It is a "judgment," in one sense, to think or say "Philo, that guy is not for you, or you should be reading this book, or wearing these pants, etc.--but not "judgmental", i.e., "I'm better than Philo, or Philo's no good because she..." ) Thus, we look for ways to help them have better lives, not to change them so that our lives will be better in our interactions with them.

[Philomena]

Beth and Lucy might disagree with me, but I think women struggle more with this than men. We tend to be more hyper-critical of ourselves so we don't think we can deal with any more "truth". The problem is that the hyper-criticism isn't really "truth", so we shouldn't be afraid of hearing the real stuff.
A subject for another post, perhaps......

[Thomas More]

Interesting point. I don't know about the overall male/female split on this, but you're probably right. But, at the same time, I'd hold myself out as one who is hyper-self-critical. Maybe not in the same way as women, but there nonetheless. I don't find that it causes me to shy from "truth", but I do find a notable difference in helpful v. hurtful criticism--which goes to my comment, above.

The timing, manner, and reason we deliver criticism to others is important.

One problem that exists is that if we are shy about hearing the "truth" (because of self-criticism gone wild, ego, or whatever) our shyness projects itself, even non-verbally. As such, your (useless) friends might very well pick up on the feeling that you'd prefer not to be criticized right now. Therefore, we are best served by pro-actively inviting critique, especially on the bigger decisions "what do you think about me...?" I find this much more useful in my life. I tend to shy away from giving people unsolicited, free advice, as I'm worried it'll reduce our friendship, create hostility, etc. If they want my opinion, they'll ask, I assume. Plus, if you say "if you'd like my advice on ever wearing those jeans out in public again, just ask..." doesn't really get it done. Hence, I'm a big fan of surrounding yourself with good, wise people and then pressing them for advice.

I still take your point that if someone is walking off a cliff and not asking your advice, you should still give it--and I've done this in a few doozy situations. Once it had great effect, once it had none.