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There's so much to say in response to this, but I'll weigh-in straight away on "why are the ladies OK with this". I don't we are if we are truly honest. BUT, there's a strong sense that we can expect very little and so we should lower our expectations to avoid disappointment. I work with a group of guys who are always talking about their dream of finding women they can sleep with and never call again. Is that what guys really want? I don't believe that either (wishful thinking?!) but it's the most immediate quick-fix for their need for intimacy. And the most immediate quick-fix for women is to tailor themselves to fit what men apparently want, to get some attention, however brief. It's a vicious messed up cycle and the only way out is to believe there's something better out there that's worth holding out for. As Timothy says, it's hard to hold on to the belief of something better if we've never experienced anything different.

Thomas More


Good points. Hopefully you can expound on these later. I doubt very much that people generally, or women specifically, are "ok" with their portrayal in contemporary music. But, clearly, many go along and give in to it.

Why? Maybe for the reasons you list, maybe it's easier to conform than shout into the wind. I don't know.

I will say though, that holding onto the belief of something better, even if we've never experienced it, is a must. To settle is to destroy a part of ourselves.

Why? Because the belief that there is or should be something better CANNOT come from nowhere. Essentially, if the heart longs for something better, truer, more pure, it seems to point to design. That is, the heart was not made to settle for the norms of a group of guys at the office. They probably don't even believe what they say, and are just all trying not to look soft to the other guys by responding: "no, I'd really like someone I can cuddle and grow old with..." Though that's exactly what they probably feel in their heart of hearts--in addition to their various other desires, which I'm not saying don't exist.

You wouldn't be imagining, hoping, longing for the proper relationship if we weren't designed in a way that allowed for it. No relationship will be perfect in this world, but there will certainly be some that aim in the right direction.

When we see God using marriage as an example of our relationship with Him, we must assume relationships are to be more than mere physical satisfaction, without a follow-up call. There is something eternal in all relationships, at any level of intimacy, a bond between different beings is no small thing.



Sir Thomas,

Excellent points. C.S. Lewis would be proud, as you echo his very own sentiments found in his writings on desire.

I know most people don't like being preached to in their hour of anguish, least of all me, so Philomena, I'm with you girl. But I also believe every word TM wrote. It's that pesky verse from Hebrews 11:1 that always reminds me of the same. :)

Thomas More

As Philomena will confirm, that's the first time in recorded history that anyone--much less a female--ever agreed with everything I said!



No, go ahead and preach away Portia! I need every word of good sense I can get. I am actually very grateful that there is hope of something better, however hard that hope is to hold onto. At the same time it's extremely sad that there are those who genuinely believe the 'quick-fix' is as good as it gets. I think we should all go and spread some Good News;)

Tim (not Timothy)

Perhaps the problem is that we are constantly being told by brilliant academics that there is no such thing as a need for intimacy (or a relationship where you grow old together, for that matter). Those of us who desire intimacy are merely delusioned and should wake up to the reality of things. Facing this reality, anyone seeking intimacy turns to what seems to be the best alternative: as much manufactured intimacy with as many people as possible - in order to numb the desire for intimacy.

On the other hand, the media tells us that we'll find true intimacy when we find our soul mate. So if there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship, it's not because you haven't worked enough toward intimacy - it's because the other person isn't your soul mate. You then have a licence to leave that relationship for another. (Or worse: if you meet someone with whom you appear to have more intimacy, you can immediately leave your marriage even if you thought you had intimacy.) Faced with this reality, we bounce from relationship to relationship, always mistaking for intimacy the initial rush of getting to know someone - and then leaving as soon as the rush is over.

So now the question is who is responsible for this belief that we must not work toward true intimacy? I'm not sure, but it can't help that Christians can't seem to offer a more consistent example. I would like to believe that Christian marriages are more intimate than non-Christian, but that's hard to quantify. Instead, we're left with the fact that Christian marriages are just as likely as non-Christian marriages to end before death-do-us-part.

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