Learning to Let Go

To everything there is a season.  I believe this is true, but in one area, I am having a hard time coming to terms with it: friendships.  As a mom who has chosen to care for her children full-time at home, I have discovered that some friends (particularly those who have not chosen that path) are not as close any more.  Certainly proximity (or the lack thereof) has something to do with it.  We don't meet for business lunches or run into each other in the Capitol, so it's not as convenient.  But sometimes I wonder if it's because we've made different choices about how to raise our kids, and that has raised a wall between us.  Other friends may just have moved on... chosing to spend time with others, for whatever reason. 

To everything there is a season.  Perhaps our particular friendship "season" is over.  Part of me chafes at this thought -- I want to hold on to friends and keep the memories going.  I don't want to have to flip through photo albums and wonder, "Whatever happened to her?" At the same time, life is constantly in motion.  As others change their circumstances and make choices, I too am changing, and our friendships cannot remain static in the swirl.  They too will evolve, and maybe pass away.

Is this OK?  Is it OK to let friendships pass away?  I believe reality says that sometimes they must.  But the heart feels the loss.

Yours, Lucy

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Comments

[Didymus]

Lucy,

Very good. Mrs. Didymus has wondered this same thing.

I think there is something to your point about how others raise their children being a big factor - interesting insight. Is this okay?

I would add one thought. Life is in motion, to me it feels like floating down a fast flowing river full of rafts...there can be long periods of time where the same boat is next to you, but the current inevitably will move that boat away and bring another. I struggle with, "that's life" vs. "that's wrong." How much do we fight the against the "current" reality? How much do we go with the flow?

I do wonder, however, if in the midst of this sea of discombobulation if covenant communities, groups of boats who have reached out beyond their own boundaries (dangerously so) to link arms and, come hell or high water, not let go of each other...I wonder if groups like that have something not just to gain themselves but to offer the rest of the rafts adrift alone?

Thanks Lucy.

Didymus

[lucy pevensie]

Thanks, Didymus. I think your rafting analogy is very helpful. Yes, we need to link arms with some rafters, I believe. Not all, as that would not be practical or even possible. But without a core group like that, we might drift too far afield.
-Lu

[Philomena]

Lucy,
I've been thinking about exactly the same issue lately. I've also struggled with letting go of friendships that seem superficial or that are just too much effort to sustain. I think it's a sign of getting older, ahem, I mean more mature;) My expectations of my friends are higher now and if I'm the only one making any effort to stay in touch then I decide to let go. I agree, it does feel weird and somehow "un-Christian". But at this stage of the game I'd rather invest in significant relationships than struggle to sustain many looser ones. I suspect that trying to hold on to the more flaky friends can be motivated by (false) guilt.
Of course, all these things make me consider what kind of friend I am to other people too.
Thanks for the post.

[Thomas More]

Lucy,

Might I suggest starting a blog with 11 old friends? Oh wait, that's been tried.

Your post reminded me of this venture in connection to my life. I've moved around a lot, and my friends have also moved. As such, I've got friends I cherish all over the place. It's a blessing on one hand.

Didymus's raft reference was great. Particularly since I just got off vacation and we went rafting--in a river filled with boats. The imagery was experienced, and helpful.

We can't fight God's currents. Sometimes, however, we have to ask whose current is pulling us away. If we have peace that it is "a season for all things..." we let go. If we feel it is an attack on unity, we fight to hold on.

It seems the Lord sent us out from the earliest times. He did not mean for us all to hang together. He meant for us to encourage each other when together, but always leaving and going out--even to the ends of the earth--so that more might be added to our circle of friends.

In the micro, your life, my life, decisions on work/family, etc. might not look that grand. But the reality is, there is a plan. It is not static.

I'm thankful for the rafts that have floated through my life, especially the electronic brining together of 11 of those rafts at this blog. There are ways to reach back up stream to a time when we floated together, but you can never fully return.

Thankfully, we'll all float together in the future.

[Thomas More]

For parents, this post at PortiaRediscovered hits a particularly tough area to let go:

http://portiarediscovered.mu.nu/archives/188508.php

[Portia]

Mr. More,

Thank you for the link. :) It's strange being the one that is "let go." The going isn't easy, and my biggest gripe right now, other than my landlady, is that food is sooo darn expensive when you start from scratch. Jimminy Crickets.

To Lucy,

This is a subject I have grappled with for some time. I would only say that it's important to evaluate how dear those friends were to you. If they meant buckets to you and there was no real reason to let things dissolve, try it again.

Also, as a single woman who has married friends, I have to say that often the distance due to difference is purely perceived. I have had countless friends who, once married, completely severed all ties to us "single people" because we "didn't understand." That's quite painful for us, because we were friends for reasons more than simply marital or parental status. You might just feel as though there's reason to be apart, and in reality it might make your friendship stronger to remain friends despite differences.

Just a few thoughts is all. Take 'em for what they're worth. :)

[Beth]

Dear Lucy,

I am sorry you have been having a hard time. I understand the struggle. I need girl time daily - on the phone, but ideally in person. And it takes a long time to become friends. During college there were so many people and one could talk daily for hours. Each stage of life seems to leave less time for building friendships. And so those dear friends from the younger years become more precious. Carry them in your heart and pray for them by name daily.

But the necesarry daily interaction - it is difficult to feel distant from others because of lifestyle changes - single/married/with children/at-home-mom/number of children. Ones Venn diagram changes with each addition. There are seasons of busyness, but people also have different needs. I initiate with people and love going to other peoples homes; some of my friends actually (shock) prefer to be at home and though may welcome social time, do not require it like I do. My best friend is an equal give-and-take person. But with the other three closest friends, I am still the initiator. Every month (same time) I feel like I don’t have any friends, etc, but a few days later, sure enough, someone calls or I get back on the phone and make a few social dates for myself.

So I think that anytime one is in the minority, one has to work harder. One has to overcome assumptions. Do others feel judged (even if they are not)? I don’t know if you were thinking about ways to reconnect or cultivate new friends, but here are a few ideas, if so. Who are you and what are you really interested in? Who do you know who might share those interests - including old friends. Might a monthly bookgroup work? or a Mom’s Night Out? or an invitation to your exercize class? Coffee after carpooling? There are a lot of lonely people out there. And a lot of at home moms struggling with feeling stuck at home. So, there is a simple ministry opportunity in creating playdates.

I know it gets tiring and tiresome feeling like one is always initiating, but it may simply be the way the gifts you have been given need to be used. My husband and I are eternally grateful to TMore for his amazing ability to keep in touch.

Thankfully, as CSLewis said to Sheldon Vanauken, ‘Christians never say good-bye.’

Under the Mercy,

Beth

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