Formation

To my goddaughter, age 23 and married one year with no children, yet:

Reflecting on motherhood, it strikes me that once one begins having children, one cannot count on learning the home arts. So, my goddaughter, cultivate a habit of prayer. Do no fear tedious hours at home. Ironing and cleaning is a wonderful time to pray the Jesus prayer over and over, for friends, enemies, those in authority, our armed forces, religious leaders, the unborn, the orphan, the widow:

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have mercy upon me a sinner.

Learn to cook.  Buy 'The Joy of Cooking', start with chicken, and follow the recipe. Make a soup a week.  In a year you will have learned (by making 52 soups) the base, good combinations, and then -when you have a child - or four - fussing and no dinner made, you will be able to throw something together that is homemade, from scratch, and delicious, in a half hour.

Play with children and be creative. If you need to consult a creative-ideas book, do so. Use it, memorize the games, songs, activities, so that they become a part of you. You won't have time to read the book when the little ones are fussing to get outside.  Learn how to get out stains. Take singing lessons or piano lessons. Eat YOUR vegetables and fruit, sitting down at the table across from your husband while having an interested and interesting conversation.

In short become the woman you want to be, now.  And work on becoming the woman you want your daughters to become and your sons to marry.  More on the importance of the internal transformation soon.

Beth

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Comments

[Philomena]

Oh my gosh, I'm hyperventilating. No offense to the parents out there, but that's the most potent contraceptive I've ever read!

[Albertus Magnus]

Beth, that is an awesome letter, oozing with Godly wisdom and useful even to one with no prospect of future motherhood. God proved his love for us by taking steps to bless us even before we were born. How beautiful it is to make plans to love others in a like manner.

Albertus

[lucy pevensie]

Beth,
Wow. That's profound and true and inspiring and overwhelming all at the same time. May God give us the grace we need in the midst of parenting to be the women (and men) He wants us to be.
Thanks so much for your wonderful words.
Lucy

[Philomena]

I can see I'm out-numbered on this one! I can appreciate the encouragement to prepare for life ahead while you have the time and before circumstances take over. But, my concern is that these ideas represent an impossibly high standard for wives and mothers to live up to. Many mothers I've spoken to feel like they're under-achieving to start with (only a perception, as far as I can tell). Doesn't this put them under more stress? Are these things you describe, Beth, a requirement of motherhood, an ideal or something in between?

[Beth]

Philomena: Here are some thoughts.

An athlete has heroes and goals. 'I want to be a Michael Jordan. I need to have a 'x' vertical jump, to be able to sink % of three point shots, etc.' If someone wants to be the best, does that stress him out?

Our question is, ‘How am I to become holy?’ Just as an athlete needs a coach to guide and heroes to follow, so does a wife and mother. Being a mother and wife is a profession. It's time we brought back the dignity and rigor to the vocation. So the job requires training, hard work, constant improvement.

But more than a job, since I am a mother and wife, it is my way of salvation, my narrow way. If one focuses on having a Pottery Barn house with a Martha bday party and needs more money and less sleep to accomplish such things, then one is misdirected. I am reconsidering women and think we struggle to grow out of the seventh grade catiness and insecurity. Don't learn to cook in order impress other women. Don't dress nicely in order to fit in with those women you hope will invite you to join the Woman's Club. Do so in order to be a blessing to those around you, first to your family and then to your neighbor (who may be a member of the Woman’s Club which may well be worth belonging to). Ones worth is not in how much one does, but in being a child of God. The fruits of repentance are loving God and ones neighbor. I think cultivating the home arts is part of the vocation of married life.

So I would say, it is the interior life which needs to be cultivated first and foremost. If one is naturally talented in putting together fancy parties, Glory to Jesus Christ. Bless your children with such fun and invite me. But if after morning prayers you feel you can manage 2 hours with 4 girls for your 4 year old's bday party, playing a few games and having cupcakes, do so cheerfully and without apology. It is more important to maintain ones peace of soul than to yell at every family member and paste on a smile for the arriving guests.

A layman once asked a monk, 'What do you do in a monastery?' The monk answered, 'Fall and get up again, fall and get up again, fall and get up again.' Christ calls us to 'Be holy.'Our entire life is a pilgrimage, striving to become like Christ. As a wife and mother, that pilgrimage entails forming a bright and cheerful home and helping the children learn their roles as part of the family, the church, and the world.

Do I fall? Several times a day. I am simply a pilgrim.

In today's sermon, our priest spoke about Peter walking out to Christ on the water in faith, but then taking his eyes off of Christ and looking 'at the wind' and sinking. He had his goal. The Lord had His own goal - Golgotha and the Redemption of All Creation. Our goal is eternal life with our Lord. If one trusts in ones self, then the stress of trying to 'do' more all the time may be unbearable. But if we are carrying our cross, for the joy set before us, then though we fall, we will get up again.