Don't Marry a Career Woman

Please, no hate-emails - this title comes from an article of the same name written by Michael Noer in the current issue of Forbes.  There has been some fine discussion on family life here at All These Things - just throwing this article out there.
Didymus

Comments

[Thomas More]

Didymus,

If Forbes had not done it first, I'd call you crazy!

A provocative article. I note, however, that you have just thrown the "article out there" and (inadvertantly, I'm sure!) left out your sage analysis. Where does Didy come down on this issue?

In all seriousness, I think Mr. Noer wrote it in a way--or the editor choosing the title did--to grab the most eyes and create controversy.

If you step back a bit, however, some of it is rather intuitive. Meaning, careers are inherently stressful and consuming. The battle is to keep them in check so the other areas of life have a chance to flourish. If two people--regardless if they are male or female I think--are fighting the same battle simultaneously it is double the stress. This is not gender, it is math.

Unfortunately, the counter-point article misses the best arguments in response. Ms. Corcoran essentially argues: "well, my marriage works, and I'm a career woman, and I make more than $30,000, and I get a nanny, and my husband and I drink Chardonnay in Napa, and we still love each other... blah, blah, blah." Mr. Noer referred to studies showing general trends. Ms. Corcoran responded with her specific situation.

Mr. Noer never said all career-woman marriages will fail. He just said they fail at a higher rate than others. Ms. Corcoran counters that hers didn't. So anyone, like me, in a non-career-woman marriage--that hasn't ended--can counter her counter and say: my marriage is working too.

More to the counter-the-counter, Ms. Corcoran makes a horrible, and very annoying, assumption in her piece. She seems to hold out the idea that career women are more interesting, exciting, and not married to guys plopped on couches.

Why would she assume this? The last person anyone spends time with at a party is the guy/gal who only talks about their job. They are horribly boring, not exciting. I can find a story about work interesting enough. And occassionally I'll tell my wife one when I get home, or tell friends when we are together. But I wouldn't be around someone who dwelled on their "career" stories. I certainly wouldn't want to be married to such a person--whether I was a husband or wife.

Our society has elevated "careers" way beyond their goodness. They are fine, and can provide some degree of satisfaction. But the boss still has to pay you to go to work. That can't be said for family time. It, generally, is inherently desirable. We really need to pull "careers" (again, whether for men or women) down off the pedestal. They aren't that great; they are a euphanism for doing the same thing your whole working life. Work is the curse, not blessing, of the Fall. Lets not kid ourselves about our being more interesting, or a better spouse, simply because we toil.

I wish Ms. Corcoran would have provided a study that shows some actual non-monetary benefit to a two-career marriage. Whether it be for the kids, the spouses, or the health or vitality of the marriage itself. She didn't give us that useful information though. Does it exist out there? If so, I'd appreciate someone pointing me to it.

We work the black seem together,

TM

[Philomena]

I agree with Mr More-I think the gender issue is a bit of a distraction in this piece (although not completely irrelevant). What's behind these studies seems to be a changing idea of what a "family" is and what it's role should be. It's no longer seen as a cohesive unit with a common purpose. It's more likely to be a collection of related individuals living under the same roof, often with competing agendas. If both parents are focused outside of the home then the children learn to fend for themselves too. So, these marraiges might "work" from the parents point of view, if they are both getting their needs met at work, but is the FAMILY working? The most striking statistic to me was that more of the "career women" were unhappy with their role as parents. I suspect this is pretty easy for children to pick up on and something they don't deserve or recover from easily.