Talk, About A 12-Step Program

As St. Beth previously wrote, James Stenson's Successful Fathers is a must read.  You can get it by clicking on the link on the lower right.  Fathers, to-be fathers, or people interested in the concept of fathering, ought to pick this little book--66 small pages--up and read it.  It will be the best $2.99 you've spent in a long time.

Towards the end, Stenson--who has observed good and bad parenting in his 20 years teaching and administrating schools--lists 12 characteristics of successful fathers:

1. Successful fathers have a sense of supportive partnership with their wives;
2. Successful fathers think long-term about their children's future character as grown-up men and women;
3. As a consequence of this vision, they frequently talk with their wives about the children's character strengths and weaknesses;
4. These fathers frequently discuss things with their children;
5. And, of course, such fathers listen to their children as well;
6. Successful fathers keep television-watching to a minimum;
7. Successful fathers see discipline, not as punishment or mere behavior-control, but rather as a means of building the children's self-control;
8. Related to this, successful fathers are confident of their authority;
9. Successful fathers seem to have a number of close friends;
10. Successful fathers frequently have a deep and active religious faith;
11. Successful fathers teach their children to be "poor in spirit"; and
12. Finally, the most successful fathers always put their family's welfare ahead of their jobs.

I've just quoted the introduction lines for each paragraph on these 12 topics.  Each is loaded and well worth reading.  I particularly noticed the description under number 4.  It begins:  "Conversation is the most common leisure activity at home."  That's a wonderful notion, conversation as leisure activity.  Not telling kids what to do, not listening to squabbling, not staring at the T.V.  Just sitting there chatting with your little ones.  Mine are all pretty small, so it's hard to go on too long.  But when we do get those fun times of pure conversation, it really is sublime.

Of course, numbers 12 (work) and 6 (T.V.) sure play heavily on our ability to talk.  It is impossible to have leisure conversation if you always work until after the children's dinner and bed time.  It is also impossible to talk meaningfully if you are home during the waking hours, but watching T.V.  I'm trying to limit both--but it sure can be hard.  I also think number 9 merits a comment, but I will hold that for another day.

In the meantime, has your family had success in promoting conversation?  If so, give us some tips!

Thomas More

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Comments

[Didymus]

Mrs. Didymus works very hard to have a sit down dinner every night for our family which is great for being together, however, I find that starting conversation at the dinner table is more difficult than continuing them - so I try to begin conversation with my children before the dinner hour...and those usually begin with me asking them about an ongoing "story" that they have going in their life - a game they are playing at recess, a book the teacher is reading, Jimmy's attempt to help his classmate Christopher feel included. Natural, informal conversation while cuddling or wrestling or working together with the kids has really helped me to connect with them later at the dinner table and after in deeper converation.

I guess what I'm suggesting is, as Fathers we have to earn the right to be heard and that comes from hours of playing together, working together and just being together - kids feel love by a quantity of quality time...I'm afraid the "quality time" notion is an invention of an overworked (another blog topic) society.

As a teacher and youth group volunteer I see way too much "drive-by" parenting...what I call "event-driven" parenting. The day to day interaction, the small kindnesses and just being together is swallowed by mindless distraction (TV etc...) and long hours at work and we try to make up for it by taking the kids to Yosemite, which somehow seems less like we are trying to buy their love and respect than buying them an X-box - but it is still guilt driven, "let me make it up to you" parenting. Kids get that. If I only had a nickel for every kid that has told me I don't want the stuff, I want my Dad!

As a teacher I have found that kids rarely remember what I said to them and NEVER forget how I treated them. That is true for me with the memories I have of my parents - I'm assuming it will be true for my children as well. The greatest gift my Dad gave me was himself - we were together a lot and most importantly my Father enjoyed me and somehow all that translated into this: I wanted to be like him - and well beyond the early childhood hero worship this desire remained in me into adolesence and remains in me to this day! I'm almost 40 and I would count myself blessed were I to grow up to be like my Dad.

...not that it doesn't have to be taught - but character is primarily caught and it is not very contagious, it takes a lot of exposure...in the end it is this purposeful, consistent, enjoyable and seemingly mundane being together - our kids seeing us in all kinds of settings - that is the greatest demonstration of our character (or lack thereof).

Great post Tom! I bought the book at your first mention last month.

Thanks,
Didymus

[Thomas More]

Didymus,

Great points. The dinner table is key for us. But, I see what you mean about getting things going earlier. We typically start with me coming in and everyone "wrestling"--which is short for 3 kids and a dog attacking me. "Karate kick" is the latest fade: all three kids kick me, while I try to avoid serious injuries and counter punch with tickles.

Not much deep conversation comes while I'm getting piled on, but I think you are right that it opens the door. Dinner is a bit more subdued and conversations turn to their day, and mine.

Stenson's point on discussing dad's day was foreign to me. My dad never burdened the family with the problems and struggles of his work day. I thought this was good when I grew up and tried to follow his lead. Stenson seems to argue for explaining the day so kids can learn lessons from how we struggled and responded. I like his point, and think a balance of teaching-but-not-burdening needs to be found.

I'm glad you've ordered the book. Given your points about being together to train character, time, not buying kids' favor, etc. I would guess you've already read it. If not, you'll find yourself in agreement with Stenson on these points.

Thomas More

[Didymus]

Tom,
I haven't read it yet, but to the extent he agrees with me I'm sure I'll find Stenson wise and insightful.
Didymus