Swimming upstream

It’s Sunday, and already the week ahead is looming over me. The black cloud this week consists of a group of adolescent thirtysomethings otherwise known as my work colleagues. Yes, they are mostly men. How did you guess?! When they encounter something they don’t want to do, they refuse to do it. When they are compelled to get on with it, their arms fold and their lower lips start to stick out. It’s uninspiring stuff, indeed, and not that uncommon in an academic work environment where people can drift from “school” into “work” without changing desks.

The object of their resistance is, incidentally, based on my previous post about leadership. The conversation I had with my boss continued (i.e. my lack of leadership skills, and also his) and I introduced him to the idea that our work environment should have a vision and a direction. His response to this was to plan an office retreat where we talk about such things, away from the confines of the office itself. Apparently we used to have similar retreats, but not in anyone’s current memory. This has therefore thrown the adolescents into a sulking, pouting, foot-stamping tizzy that I’ve been trying to pacify for several weeks now. “Why should we have to do this?” “I’m not going!” (You have to go……) “Well. I’ll go, but I’m NOT saying anything!!”. Sigh.

As I think about this mess, I remember and appreciate my church community, which is made up of not only a few good men, but many, many good men who are thirtysomething but also stable, rational, grounded and mature individuals. But realising that most of the world revolves around the work environment, and assuming mine isn’t the only one to be filled with adolescents, I can see how men and women get drawn away from the roles they were created for. For example, my current inclination is to give up on these children, roll my eyes, roll up my sleeves and organise the work environment as I think it should be organised, subduing the men into reluctant compliance. I would, essentially, become their mother. They would complain, I’m sure, but not argue or offer any alternative. Isn’t this how so many work and even home environments evolve? Look at any sitcom and see the eye-rolling, domineering, multi-tasking wife and her goofy childlike husband. It’s comedy because it’s only-slightly-exaggerated reality.

Can I beat my guys and our environment into shape? Without doubt. Do I think this is the right way to go? Actually, no. I still believe that God created men to be strong and competent leaders and giving up on them is not the answer. And I don’t think it matters if the guys are Christians or not. They were still created by God to do more than sit on a couch and play video games, or sit at a desk and surf the Internet.

How do I encourage my colleagues to embrace adulthood and maybe even leadership? Ladies, how do you encourage your men? Guys, how did you avoid the adolescence trap?

Still hopeful, 

Philomena

[email protected]

Comments

[Thomas More]

I have no idea.

Great questions though!

The only direction I can think of is the carrot/stick. If you can entice them with some concept of self gain, or pain, you'll probably have more luck than with altruism.

That said, the other trap out there is that the ladies pick up the guys' messes. If they are supposed to do something and don't, let them FAIL. Let them suffer the consequences of not fulfilling their role. That's the only way the will learn. Too often they learn that if they duck their duty, 'mom' will rush in and fix it.

If their failure affects your ability to do your job, then you have a bigger problem. But look for ways to let them fall in the mud. Just don't let the mud splash on you!

Good luck!

[Philomena]

I got an interesting idea from someone who was too shy to post a comment so he emailed me privately. His suggestion was that this adolescent behaviour is tied to mens need for respect and when they feel disrespected, they become resentful and act childishly (which actually gets them even less respect). That certainly makes sense in my work environment and might explain why this is "a guy thing". ?

[Didymus]

Philomena,
Great post and great questions.
It sounds like abdication to me. We have somehow confused ease/comfort and a lack of effort w/ the good life. It is a lie. Life is very difficult. But the only way through it is "in" it, to dive in and offer your best. I am tempted to allow my inner adolescent run free when I'm tired of pushing against life. I want to check out.

I hope that most of the men you are thinking of are single - bc the best cure for this in my experience is marriage.

I also have to wonder, if we live in a world where childhood is so short and shallow and adolescence so sexualized and cynical if some men get to 30 and realize in trying to grow up so fast they too quickly got to the hardest part of life. And are trying to find it now???

Didymus

[Beth]

Men need to be needed. Yes, I can carry my own bags, open my own doors, stand up in the subway after a long day. And men have been told they are sexist if they are gallant.

So, create a need. (It works in building community, too). 'Can you help me?' Sound manipulative? Then think of something you really do need help with - or break something on purpose if you have to!

Flash a smile, expect him to be the man. I asked a young man to help a friend carry her baby in a baby stroller down a flight of stairs in NYC this week. Of course he did it; I knew his mother had raised him right, and he responded in kind.

Beth

[Beth]

Men need to be needed. Yes, I can carry my own bags, open my own doors, stand up in the subway after a long day. And men have been told they are sexist if they are gallant.

So, create a need. (It works in building community, too). 'Can you help me?' Sound manipulative? Then think of something you really do need help with - or break something on purpose if you have to!

Flash a smile, expect him to be the man. I asked a young man to help a friend carry her baby in a baby stroller down a flight of stairs in NYC this week. Of course he did it; I knew his mother had raised him right, and he responded in kind.

Beth