AllTheseThings

$400 per hour

My apartment neighbor and new mom stopped me in the hallway recently to ask for my advice on a baby mattress she purchased.  She had read some disturbing reviews online about safety and wanted the insight of a mother of three.  A few weeks earlier, I called a woman who lives in our apartment complex who I know as well as this new mom knows me.  I was pretty sure our kids had lice, but wanted a third party's opinion. This third party is a doctor. She never got back to me.

It strikes me that what people do for pay (doctor), they expect to be paid for at all times.  Whereas if someone does something for free, she can't really charge people for that expertise (mother).  One knows that people sometimes ask a lawyer for advice - but are they doing it to get out of having to pay for that advice?  Is it reasonable for the lawyer to say, 'It's out of office hours now; come see me at my office'?  But would a mother ever say to someone - well, office hours are 24/7.

Enter the idea of vocation.  A priest is a priest at all times.  A mother is a mother at all times.  A priest isn't in it for the money: neither is a mother.  So perhaps these people are able to be more 'available' for others.  It bugs me, frankly, that when the doctor becomes a mom she can ask me for advice about potty training or discipline or teaching a child to read, but i have to pay her $100 to identify an ear infection.  Her training took less time and stress, I guarantee you, than it took to learn the answers to the other questions.

It is not that I wouldn't love to answer her questions, either.  It is hugely satisfying to try to help someone else.

What do you think?

Beth

allthesebeth@yahoo.com

Homeschooling, Too

We are beginnning to homeschool our almost seven year old tomorrow!  On the seminary campus where we live there are four other homeschooling families, and I have the curriculum set.  But then I read about a potentially better grammar book.  Ought I switch?  Think, fret, ponder.  Enter wonderful husband.  No, I will stick to the plan for the year and re-evaluate.  Such fun!

Our group has trips to nature centers and museums planned every two weeks.  I am 'meeting' other families in NY/CT on a yahoo group list.  Beginning is always the easy part for me; persevering is not.  So, remind me to bring out 'The Little Blue Engine That Could' in six weeks.

Beth

allthesebeth@yahoo.com

Vinegar and Feasting

Several times this week, I have been forced to figure out a way where there seems to be no way.  On a feast day which is also vegan (no dairy - not eggs, milk), how does one make a cake to celebrate while keeping the fast?  Enter vinegar and baking soda (not my idea).  Added to cake instead of eggs, it makes a moist, delicious cake.  To the non-fasting, this may sound like doing an end-around, but it is not.  On a high holiday, such as the 'Exaltation of the Holy, Precious and Life-Giving Cross', one fasts all day, but then eats a meal in the evening.  We fast because Christ died on the very cross which St. Helen found; we feast because He rose from and the dead and because she found the very cross and raised a church over the spot where Christ was crucified.

This morning, while still dark, B (with Down Syndrome) got out of her room again.  There must be a way to keep her in her room.  And so a hair tie wrapped around the sliding door latches solved the problem - a daily problem since we moved here six weeks ago.  I had been planning to buy a lock, but day after day had not done so.  Finally, when the problem simply had to be solved, the solution came - like the vinegar and baking soda.

Limitations do increase pressure and force the creative juices to flow.

Beth

allthesebeth@yahoo.com

A Day in the Life of an 'At Home Mom'

"Being an at-home-mom does not mean one has to be in one's home all day every day," I used to say.  Now that I have three children, getting out is much harder.  What is an extrovert to do?

Well, I just hosted a party in my home for a local organic farming family a la Mary Kay.  I invited a bunch of ladies who I thought would be interested in learning the whats and wherefores and in tasting meat from the H's farm.  Instead of make-up, we talked pork, chicken, lamb and beef.  Raw milk and milk shares also made headlines.  Allison, the wife, spoke, we ate, guests bought meat.  Hopefully there will be three more of these parties hosted by others in the next few months so more people can learn about their work.

In the background the voice taunts me into justifying my life.  How am I maximizing myself, using my abilities to make a difference in this world?  Am I chipping away at the 4,000 volunteer hours President Bush challenged us to complete?  It seems the good Lord is having mercy on me anyway.  I like to cook, to entertain, and to help people.  Thus came about the idea for the organic meat party.  My youngest daughter, E, cried in her bed, "I want to come to your party."

Later this week, my monthly book group is discussing Jane Austen's "Persuasion"; E may get to sit in.  Another day in the life of the 'at home mom'.

Beth

allthesebeth@yahoo.com

The Ungrateful Daughter

I had coffee with a friend of mine on Saturday. She lost her husband to cancer a few years ago and she is now living with her two college-age kids, one son and one daughter. The daughter is having a particularly bad time. She’s moody and angry most of the time. (“How was your day today?” “None of your business!!” etc…). She says her mom is making her life miserable.

My friend knows that some of this is probably a teenage phase and some is connected to her daughter losing her dad. So, she’s resolved to ride it out. But, in the back of her mind she’s worried that she is a bad mother and some of this behavior is her fault. Maybe she really is making her daughter’s life miserable. I am less sympathetic. We took stock of all the things her daughter enjoys while living at home: free accommodation, free food, a free car and gas to put in it. In return she either ignores or abuses her mom. Pretty ungrateful, if you ask me. I suggested that some of these freebies might need to be withdrawn so they are appreciated again.

The following day, after church a friend asked me how everything was going. “Everything is good” I replied. Never one to take anything at face value, he double-checked, “EVERYTHING is good??”. “Hmmmm…..well I can’t think of anything that’s bad”. On my drive home I was thinking about that answer and suddenly went back to the coffee time with my friend. Just like her daughter, I could list the good things I’ve been freely given. In fact, I have so many of them that I can’t think of anything I need right now. But was I grateful before I was asked to think about it? No. I was just bumbling along not really thinking about it, except maybe worrying about what the next hurdle might be. I was ignoring my Father and His gifts. The answer was obvious- my Father needs to withdraw some of these good things, so they are appreciated again. “Please don’t!” I said to the ceiling of my car.

I hope my friend can ride out this difficult time with her daughter. Who knows, there might be some intervention required to turn the corner. But alongside her daughter, I’ve realised that there are lots of blessings I take for granted, just because I’ve got used to them. Maybe we can both learn to appreciate these gifts, and even more importantly, the one who gave them.

Philomena

allthesephilomena@yahoo.com

It Is Well With My Soul

My husband got a vasectomy a year ago.  Too much information?  You actually need to know that because I got pregnant in January.  After the initial shock -- and I do mean SHOCK -- I busted out laughing.  I felt just like Sarah in the Bible.  She too laughed when she thought of having a baby in her old age, long after the time it was humanly possible.  (Emphasis on "humanly.") 

My doctor said, "It's God."  I agreed.  I always felt like we were missing someone.  My husband and I laughed our way toward being a family of 6. 

Until February.  Despite us seeing the heartbeat of our little one, that precious baby went to Heaven far too early.  We grieved the normal and terrible grief of miscarriage, but I carried the extra pain of knowing the pregnancy was a miracle to begin with.  We never dreamed God would give us a miracle, then take it away.  It felt so unfair.

I was angry at God.  I don't need to hide this because I told Him myself.  I asked Him to show me WHY He would allow this to happen.  Through a series of events, He graciously and firmly answered me. 

God reminded me of Abraham and Sarah, the people with whom I had felt such kinship.  They got THEIR Isaac, I thought.  True, but God reminded me that Abraham was willing to let Isaac die, if that's what obedience required.  I had not been given that choice... but I wasn't willing to let my baby die.  I felt entitled to my child.  It was MY baby. 

God said, "That's where you're wrong.  It wasn't YOUR baby.  It was MINE.  They are ALL MINE."  God showed me He has a right to make His claims on people.  He told Moses:  "I have taken the Levites from among the Israelites in place of the first male offspring of every Israelite woman.  The Levites are mine, for all the firstborn are mine.  When I struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, I set apart for myself every firstborn in Israel, whether man or animal.  They are to be mine.  I am the Lord."  (Numbers 3:11-13)

Real people in the Bible helped me to place my baby in God's arms.  Abraham was willing to sacrifice Isaac.  Hannah gave Samuel to the Lord after painful years of waiting.  And somehow it took me a long time to remember this:  God Himself watched His Son die . . . for me. 

In Him,

Lucy Pevensie 

4,000 Hours To Go

Do you remember President Bush’s call upon all Americans to perform 4,000 hours of community service in his/her lifetime?  As mothers we are in a wonderful position to knock off those hours.

This note is an encouragement to mothers of children in school - or to all mothers who sense they may feel stifled or addled being at home with their young ones. Be not afraid.  We do not need to make money to be doing something worthwhile with our talents.  And our communities need our talents.  So many dynamic mothers are working - I know my top three picks in our community are a speech therapist, and two heads of preschools.  Because they are dynamic doers with young children I imagine they finish their house chores before most of us are awake. Then, help, who to organize, who to help?  Let me give them - and you - a few ideas.

Today a new mom who knows nobody in town and had a c-section and has been in hospital with few visitors got a visit from an at home extrovert mom.  The new mom is having trouble nursing the baby and has questions about sleep, nursing, etc.  So, she had an hour of chatting and felt better.  That is small and local. 

Volunteer once a week in your child’s classroom.  Organize a children’s choir and take them to retirement homes.  Tidy up the local playground.  Bake cookies and bring them to your neighbor.  Knock on everyone’s door up and down your block and introduce yourself.  (We got furniture and babysitters out of it!)  Meet the non-native English speaking mom in your child’s class and invite her for coffee (If it drives you crazy that people are not learning English, pitch in.)  If you are hyper-creative and organized, start a group of women doing any of the above - become the national headquarters.

Here is a good place to start in general. Have you heard of the corporal works of mercy?

   1. Feed the hungry
   2. Give drink to the thirsty
   3. Clothe the naked
   4. Shelter the homeless
   5. Visit the sick
   6. Visit those in prison (or in another rendering: To ransom the captive)
   7. Bury the dead

The spiritual works of mercy are:

    1. Admonish the sinner
    2. Instruct the ignorant
    3. Counsel the doubtful
    4. Comfort the sorrowful, afflicted
    5. Bear wrongs patiently
    6. Forgive offenses
    7. Pray for the living and the dead

These are part of the early traditions of the Church, taken from the Gospel of St. Matthew 25:34-40:

"Then the King will say to those at his right hand, 'Come, O blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see thee hungry and feed thee, or thirsty and give thee drink?' And the king will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of my brethren, you did it to me.'"

Our communities need mothers in homes keeping order and beauty alive.  And these same microcosms need us creatively engaging our culture, actively loving the elderly, the unborn, the immigrant, the prisoner and the on-the-outside-perfectly-coiffed-but-struggling-inside-middle-class-suburbanite.

“Ease, safety, rest, are good, not best”,

Beth

allthesebeth@yahoo.com

Formation

To my goddaughter, age 23 and married one year with no children, yet:

Reflecting on motherhood, it strikes me that once one begins having children, one cannot count on learning the home arts. So, my goddaughter, cultivate a habit of prayer. Do no fear tedious hours at home. Ironing and cleaning is a wonderful time to pray the Jesus prayer over and over, for friends, enemies, those in authority, our armed forces, religious leaders, the unborn, the orphan, the widow:

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have mercy upon me a sinner.

Learn to cook.  Buy 'The Joy of Cooking', start with chicken, and follow the recipe. Make a soup a week.  In a year you will have learned (by making 52 soups) the base, good combinations, and then -when you have a child - or four - fussing and no dinner made, you will be able to throw something together that is homemade, from scratch, and delicious, in a half hour.

Play with children and be creative. If you need to consult a creative-ideas book, do so. Use it, memorize the games, songs, activities, so that they become a part of you. You won't have time to read the book when the little ones are fussing to get outside.  Learn how to get out stains. Take singing lessons or piano lessons. Eat YOUR vegetables and fruit, sitting down at the table across from your husband while having an interested and interesting conversation.

In short become the woman you want to be, now.  And work on becoming the woman you want your daughters to become and your sons to marry.  More on the importance of the internal transformation soon.

Beth

allthesebeth@yahoo.com

Five Pillars of Healthy Mothering

At the onset of a Michigan winter, my close friend who has three young children, had a mental breakdown. It shook all her friends, mothers of young children, mostly. Yes, there are  biological issues as well as personal details which influence or predispose one to such illness. But what can one do to keep oneself in as healthy a state as possible, we wondered?

From personal experience, both from chronic neglect since I started having children and from doggedly implementing them since January, I have found consistently maintaining the following five categories crucial to a stable life. 

• Sleeping
• Socializing
• Eating (no caffeine or junk food and lots of water made a huge difference)
• Exercizing (three times per week 30-60 minutes)
• Praying

This week we are preparing for our daughter’s open heart surgery. I am stretched rather thin (understatement). But going through the list I could see which areas had been neglected; I had prayed and eaten but not slept well, exercized or seen a friend. So the day was still blisteringly difficult and not always handled with ease, but there were steps I could take to make it a little less fraught.

What, oh mothers of little ones, have you found helpful for treading water during these turbulent times?

Beth

allthesebeth@yahoo.com

Flashes of Light

We had a massive storm last night.  I woke up and listened as the thunder boomed far away, then closer, then WOW -- that was close … for 2 hours.  Our room was lit up almost constantly, but occasionally there would be an extra bright flash with the heart-rumbling crack not 2 seconds behind.

Our one–year-old woke up first.  I picked him up in his strobe-lit room, and he wrapped his arms around me, clutching tight with his fingers.  We rocked with the noise and flashes all around for a good half hour.  Then, my 3-year-old woke up, and as my husband took over with the baby, I crawled into bed with my older son.  As his room throbbed and flashed, I reminded him, “We worship a mighty God.  This is His power at work.”

Earlier that day, I had been with a single friend who remarked that some young moms she knows seem so unhappy.  She wondered if she really wanted kids at all. I told her I thought the moms were just tired, not necessarily unhappy. 

I thought about it myself.  Sure, it would be nice to have the freedom to travel on the spur of the moment, or go out to dinner without finding a sitter.  And I haven’t had 2 good nights of sleep in a row for about 5 years.  But in the middle of the night, as my babies clung to me in the storm, I wouldn’t have traded places with anyone in the world.

Today, I’m tired.  When I woke up, I asked the Lord how we would do it today.  You know, get up and go a million miles an hour as kids and moms do every day.  He reassured me that, “When you are weak, I am strong.”  That same mighty power in the storm would carry me through today.

Kisses,

Lucy

alltheselucy@yahoo.com